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13th October 2011

Okay, so it’s not a tumor…

that’s a relief!

For those who have no idea what I’m talking about, here’s the back story….

A few weeks ago (maybe even a couple of months if I’m honest….I’ve been in denial for a while and no, I’m not really a poet!) I was taking a shower, as you do and I noticed that one side of my stomach was bigger and harder than the other side. I didn’t think much of it, preferring to forget all about it and hoping that it would go away.

A few weeks later and it hadn’t gone away. I had a prod and a poke every time I had a shower and every time I thought to myself, I should just mention this to Ant and see what he reckons but by the time I’d finished my shower, I’d put it to the back of my mind again.
However, the back of the mind can be a bit annoying. it doesn’t always keep things locked away there and I started to think that maybe it could be a tumor of some sort and the longer I deny it’s existence, the worse it could be getting so I finally decided to mention it to Ant last week.

He was sensible and told me to make a doctors appointment, so I did.

My doctor diagnosed a hernia and immediately I thought, ‘phew, it’s not a tumor; hernia’s aren’t so bad are they?’ he quickly changed my mind on that when he said “your weight and the fact that you’ve had blood clots on your lungs in the past means you’re too high risk for surgery. This means that you have to live with the hernia until you lose enough weight to be considered safe enough to operate on. Now, losing the weight might mean that it repairs itself and you won’t need surgery, which is what we’ll hope for. However, the hernia can get trapped at any time and if this happens, it will start to get painful. This can kill you. If you get any pain, see a doctor straight away”.

He’s a really lovely doctor and I could see he felt awful telling me I had to lose weight. He said, “I know doctors blame weight on everything and you’re always being told to lose weight but this time, if we want to keep you alive, you have to lose the weight, there’s no other option because I know they’re not going to operate on you at this weight”.

So I’m now on a new diet and fitness regime.
I’ve been determined to lose the weight before but I’ve failed a lot of times. However, I’ve never felt like my life was in danger before, like I did when I got the blood clots on my lungs and was told I needed to stop smoking. I didn’t have another cig from that day and I’m now in the same frame of mind about my weight.

I’m usually too shy to post full length pictures of myself online and always choose ones that I feel hide how big I actually am (they probably don’t but you know….denial is my friend) but I’ve decided that I need to face up to how I really look and I got Aiden to take these photos of me today.

 

I weighed myself today. I’m the heaviest I’ve ever been and I’m ashamed I’ve let it get so bad. I’ve only ever been totally honest with Ant about how much I actually weigh but today I’m putting it out there because I’m determined to lose this weight and it will be really good for me to write about my journey and perhaps share it with others who are struggling with their weight.

So here it is….my weight, on day one of ‘Operation Hernia Be-Gone!’ is 29 stone and 7lb *going red faced with shame*. It’s very hard to hear it out loud but there we go, it’s done and next week, when I do my first update, it won’t be as high and I can start to feel better with each pound I lose 🙂
I’m going to post a new picture each week with my weight loss result. It will help me visualise the changes and hopefully keep me motivated.

I’m going to use Sparkpeople to help me keep track of the calories and fat I eat. I’ve used it in the past and there are some great tools on there to help you get fitter.

I really will appreciate any support I get so please feel free to leave a comment.
Thanks for reading and wish me luck! 🙂

The Gallery – Inspirational Person

I’m a day late with this weeks gallery entry. I usually have the post ready to go on a Tuesday so I can link up Wednesday morning but I forgot about it on Tuesday *shock* and was too busy cleaning upstairs yesterday to sit at the laptop for any length of time.

This is an important topic and I wanted to do it justice so whilst I’m supposed to be getting the downstairs cleaning done today, I’m taking a little break to write about my husband.

He’s not had an easy life. In fact, parts of it have been harder than I can imagine having to go through.
He was married to his first wife, Kathy, for 18 years and he adored her.

They had 8 children, 5 boys and 3 girls and they were both very happy in their marriage.

Ant started to suffer with depression when his second eldest daughter died. She was only a baby and the family were obviously devastated.
The depression was made worse a few years later when their third daughter died, also when she was still a baby. He struggled with his depression for years and they went through some very dark times. Thankfully, his marriage was strong and they were able to stay together.

 

As if losing 2 babies wasn’t enough, Kathy got ill a few years later and sadly died, leaving Ant to raise their 6 children on his own, the youngest was around 9 I think.
At the time, he lived in Northern Ireland. He struggled with his grief and his depression and a couple of years or so later, he decided to move back to England to be closer to his family.
It was a really hard time for him. He had to constantly fight the depression. Sometimes it looked like it was going to win but thankfully, it didn’t.

His 6 children are absolutely wonderful and a credit to their parents.
They obviously suffered through all the losses and were hit especially hard by the loss of their mum. From all accounts, Kathy was a brilliant mum and lived for her children. They all adored her and she adored them.

When Ant and I met in 2003, he was still fighting the depression. He was in a pretty bad way when we got together, after having just left a relationship that he’d totally committed too.
He’s an ‘all or nothing’ kind of guy and doesn’t commit easily. He took the breakdown of his previous relationship very hard and at times, I didn’t think he’d ever be able to move on and commit to us.

I’m 18 years younger than Ant and already had Aiden, who was only 3 at the time when we met. I didn’t think Ant would want anymore children after already having 6 and with everything he’d gone through when they lost the babies.
I knew I wanted to be with him forever so I resigned myself to only having the one child and being a step mum to Ant’s children (although that was a bit weird when the eldest was only a few years younger than me!) who I adored.
They’d welcomed me into the family and made me feel totally at ease.

I was so excited when Ant said he wanted us to have a baby together. We went on to have KayCee and Ella and decided after Ella that we’d completed our family 🙂

Ant, Aiden and KayCee

 

Ant and KayCee

 

Ant and Ella

 

KayCee getting a hug from Daddy after she hurt her knee.

From meeting Ant, right up until to today, he’s been my inspiration. He’s a wonderful father to our girls and Aiden. He’s a wonderful husband and my best friend.
He’s been through so much but every day, no matter how much the depression tries to drag him back down, no matter how he’s feeling, he tries his very hardest to smile and be happy.
I don’t know how he does it but I’m thankful that he does because he keeps me strong. He makes me feel like I can accomplish anything and I’m also thankful that our children have such a wonderful role model.

He’s our hero and I love him dearly.

 

Check out more entries by clicking the picture 🙂

Thursday Lunchbox –

Today’s lunch:

  • Stick sandwiches
  • Potato Hoops
  • Plum
  • Fromage Frais
  • Apple juice

For the stick sandwiches:
I sliced some smoked sausage, cubed some bread, cheese and cucumber and slid them onto a skewer with cherry tomatoes.

The girls enjoyed their pinwheel sandwiches yesterday 🙂 Let’s hope today’s goes down just as well!
KayCee saw me making them this morning and seemed quite excited about it. She wanted to help so she did one of hers.
Now to get back to Google and find something fun for tomorrow!

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